New Year prayers

I'm sharing this IG post that struck me here so I don't forget it. Lord, help me to want this for myself always.

2018 has been a hard one, and I’m ready to say goodbye. It wasn’t without its sweetness, for sure, but it was a year of transition and instability, of taking on too much and a slow burn to be reminded, yet again, of my sinful self and need for the care only heaven can bring.
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In the years since more public ministry has begun, I've found myself slowly moving my investment in my faith away from its original course. I used to study, pray, read, discuss, and think on the word, simply out of love and adoration for my Savior. I was desperate to grow in my knowledge of him, because I loved him so. But over the past year or two, I confess I’ve too often found myself collecting knowledge of God, purely to spit it back out again, hoping only that it will find itself useful as I wield it to my whims.
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This year, I have groped my way through darkness learning the depths of my blindness. I’ve asked God every question I have but I still don’t have answers. I wrestled with his silence. I’ve been frustrated and angry that he wouldn’t teach me all I wanted to know.
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But slowly I see this is kind and good of him. I want to learn quickly, but he wants me to learn deeply. I want to learn from the work I put in, he wants me to learn through the work only he can do. I want to learn to look more holy, he wants me to learn to be more holy.
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Yet no matter how messy I make my faith, he still loves me. No matter how backward I have it, he still loves me. No matter how selfish I am and how much I don't love him, he still loves me. Oh, what grace!
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My hope for 2019 is simple. It’s to fall back in love with Christ. To give him my whole heart, not the half I’m willing to share. To ask his questions, not mine. To take the light he gives, not turn on my own spotlight. To submit to his will and dealings with me, welcoming anything that will make him more supreme to me.
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My prayer is that no matter my public life, I would be faithful to love him quiet, unseen places. That the best work would be done behind the curtain, never to be seen on a platform.
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In 2019, though I know it impossible, I want to love God, the way he has loved me.